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Lifestyle

I GOT DIVORCED: What I learned…

Divorce is one of those sensitive topics, especially right now. A lot of people are going through one right now. Life was all sweet and perfect until a pandemic hit. Nothing was broken until significant others were forced to sit down and evaluate.

Divorce was one of the hardest and most vital decisions that I ever made for my mental health and for my kids.

It’s normal to hit a brick wall in your relationship. Sometimes you work through that barrier with your significant other. Sometimes you work through that barrier by yourself. Sometimes you try so hard to break through the layers, but it won’t budge.

There was no arguing in the month leading up to my announcement. That was unusual because the entirety of the relationship was full of arguments.

I felt like we were mentally and physically at a place where we were over each other. We barely acknowledged each other’s presence. We didn’t share our room. We were just existing. There was no progress. There was no building. There were no breakthroughs. We were both obviously just over it.

Sometimes it takes a clear mind and conscience to finally pull the plug on a dead end situation. They say that if you are still arguing, that means you are still fighting for your relationship or you still care. I think that is true in most cases.

I felt like needed to set each other free from whatever was holding us back. We were on different paths, and had different goals. Wherever we were going, we could not take one another.

I was tired of staying “for the kids”. As much as I didn’t want to uproot my kids, and fracture the only family they had ever known, I knew that I was making a beneficial decision.

I kept going over the pros and cons in my head. There were several fear-based cons. There were a few pros. The few pros seemed to outweigh my fears. I definitely didn’t make the decision overnight or take it lightly.

A few weeks before I made my announcement, I confided in a friend. I just blurted it out: “I don’t want to be married anymore.”. She was stunned.

Honestly, I was too. That was the first time I had said those words out loud. I was so nervous to say anything to my (ex)husband. It’s funny how it’s easy to threaten divorce when you are screaming at each other…..

I wanted to make sure that I had some things in place before I made such a major change. Part of me also wanted to see if I could change my mind.

I gathered up the nerve to blurt out those words again: “I don’t want to be married anymore.”. It was towards the middle of January in 2014. I was on my way to work.

He wasn’t upset. He seemed a little shocked, but I think it was because of the timing. I explained my rationale. There was no argument. He agreed. It was settled.

I moved out two weeks later. The day before I moved, I was working an evening shift. I called my (ex)husband on break and told him that I changed my mind. I think I was so nervous. He decided that it was best that we continue the plan of separation. I didn’t argue against it.

I wanted to take my time, but he was already rushing my stuff out to the car by 8:30am. He said that he wanted to hurry and get it done. I could tell….

I arrived to a friend’s house with my kids. It was so weird. It was so different. I was very emotional. I knew that I wasn’t in love with him anymore, but I couldn’t contain my emotions. I felt like I had failed my children. Ariana asked questions. I tried to answer them the best way that I could. I had already taken her through so much.

I cried for a week. I fell into a slight depression. I even got drunk and texted him. I told him that I still loved him.

“It was all a lie!”- in my Karlie Redd voice(love and hip hop).

I think I was really trying to reconcile with the fact that my marriage was over. I’m sure that he was enjoying the empty home. I don’t fault him for that. Again, some people are on different paths.

Surprisingly, I snapped out of my mourning period pretty quickly. Even with the immense amount of stress, I felt like I was ready to stop feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to feel normal again.

I started mapping out plans to be a single parent(again). I made some adjustments to reach my goals. It proved to be much more difficult than I thought it would be, but I was determined.

In addition to working at least five days a week and taking a full schedule of classes online, I decided to pursue a second job opportunity.

It was a disaster. My grades were slipping, and I was spending less time away from my kids. I had simply taken on more than I could handle at the time. It was time to let some balls go.

I started dating Donnie in late February. As complicated as my life was at the time, I was happy to be dating again. Still, I was working towards my goals. Donnie was working towards his goals as well.

I told Donnie everything about me. The skeletons came out of the closet. I knew things were getting serious, so I wanted to be honest about everything that he was getting from me.

As our relationship grew, our goals became a collaboration.

After a meeting with my ex-husband, Donnie met my kids in May. They adored him. Was it too soon? Eh, our relationship was moving pretty quickly.

I had already been pregnant. The outcome of my pregnancy brought Donnie and I even closer. He provided great emotional support and physical support.

Despite everything, my relationship with Donnie proceeded with some caution. I was still dealing with the fallout and drama from my separation. The last thing that I needed was more drama.

I didn’t care about being judged. I did not care. My relationship with Donnie was a place where I could escape. It was a place where I could catch my breath. It was a place where my mind wasn’t overwhelmed.

Donnie and I continued to flourish as a couple. I was so happy. Not that cheap happiness that comes with money or materials. I was genuinely happy in my heart. Something was just different. I saw a lasting future with Donnie.

Exactly one year after separating from my (ex)husband, I filed for divorce. It didn’t hit me while I was filing the paperwork. I was ready to get it done.

My divorce from my (ex)husband was finalized in the middle of April of 2015. I woke up nervous that day. I had my dress picked out for my hearing and my accordion file prepared. I stopped at Dollar General to pick up a pair of tights. They were two small in the thigh area and I accidentally tore one of the legs. Lord have mercy! I was already feeling insecure from the milk leaking from my nipples and the pain in my stomach from having just given birth to Julian.

The hearing was quick. I didn’t want anything from my (ex)husband. We didn’t have anything anyway. I just wanted my maiden name back. The divorce was granted. The paperwork was sent to the clerk’s office.

My (ex)husband and I went down the same elevator after the hearing. We couldn’t look at each other. We didn’t speak. It felt like someone kicked me in my stomach and knocked the wind out of me. I was genuinely sick to my stomach. I wasn’t sad because I missed my marriage. Hell no. I was sad because I felt like I had wasted my time. I felt like that moment was unreal. After five years of marriage and separation, it was finally over.

After I caught my breath, I went back inside the courthouse to apply for a new marriage license.

Yes I did!

Donnie and I married five days later. It was fast, but I was ready for this new chapter. We were both ready.

After almost 7 years of being together, I can honestly say that I love Donnie more than I did when we first married. This love just hits different.

I will never regret my decision to divorce. Regretting my decision means denying my peace. Regretting my decision means denying the rest of my happiness.

If you are looking for some beautiful, yet affordable jewelry, head over to my website:

http://www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

If you are looking to for some bath and body smell goods, check out my daughters’ newly launched business, ScentSc8pe:

http://www.scentsc8pebyaa.com

Thank you!

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Lifestyle Parenting

My oldest daughters launched their business, ScentSc8pe! They sell a variety of homemade bath & body products.

I had been thinking of the concept of this business for about six months.

Originally, I was going to take on ScentSc8pe, but with the condition of my current business, Glamsc8pe, I knew that was a tall order. After several months, I decided to approach my girls with the business. Why not?! I saw this as a great teaching moment. I thought they would have fun while learning the basics of business.

The girls were very excited to start this venture. It was not only a chance for them to learn business techniques, but it was also a great opportunity to work on their relationship. They are in two different age groups, but I think that the sisterly bond is extremely important.

I like to use everything as a teachable moment. Having fun is great, but parenting during the storms is the most important test.

ScentSc8pe By Ariana & Amariyah was born on January 1st, 2021.

It has really been a fulfilling experience. Besides strengthening their bond, Ariana & Amariyah have used this time to really showcase their many talents.

Amariyah has a very creative nature. She is most definitely an actress. Sometimes that’s a great thing, and other times, not so much.

Ariana has a knack for learning. Like myself, she is a visual learner, and is open to learning new things. Sometimes she let’s her stubbornness get in the way.

Well, they both do. This produces another teachable moment: working through differences.

Boy, do they have differences. At the end of the day, they love each other. Even through some challenges in their relationship, they have been able to weather storms. Situations that were meant to destroy their relationship have actually strengthened it.

You may think that I sound silly, but sibling rivalry is a real thing, and it can last into adulthood. Satan is a crafty asshole, and he is definitely in the business of sowing seeds of division.

God is a fierce protector, however.

I’m proud of Ariana & Amariyah. Please support my girls by shopping their website:

https://www.scentsc8pebyaa.com/

Thank you & God bless

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Lifestyle Parenting

Why I Love It: Online Shopping!

I started my online shopping addiction about 10 years ago. I was looking for maternity and baby wear. When I found a 6-pack of onesies for $4.00, I knew I was onto something. While it has it’s downsides, online shopping has satisfied most of my household needs over the years.

Shockingly, I’ve ALWAYS hated shopping. There is always something annoying to me about crowds or people just standing in isles, just to be standing….. I’m an “in and out” type of girl. I like to get my shit and I I like to get out. I hate long lines. During the rare occasions of in-person shopping, my children are pretty well-behaved. However, any parent knows that when you have children in the store for too long, they start to get restless. Snacks and drinks become insignificant at that point.

It’s convenient. Online shopping works for me because I don’t drive. Sure, my husband drives. However, being able to grab the same things virtually as I would in person saves time and gas. All I need to depend on is my Wi-Fi connection. Wal-Mart also has a feature where you can order your groceries online, and then pick them up. Do I miss the days when we had two hour grocery trips? Hell no! Not to mention, the Walmart Grocery prices are cheaper than the in-store prices. I just love saving $2.00 on a box of training pants. That adds up, beloved! Take that $2.00 and buy a pack of wipes.

The online selection is almost always greater! There are only so many variations in the store because they are exclusive to that store. When you shop online, you have more choices because companies can ship from all around the country.

I find some fabulous prices! This one is a NO-BRAINER. I have six children, children grow out of their clothes at a rapid pace, and I’m not rich. Do the math. I am naturally a cheap person, but as a parent, it’s very imperative that I am frugal. I bet that you have probably never walked into a mall and walked out with a pair of OshKosh B’gosh sneakers for $6.00. If you know how to get the most out of the search bar, you can find some amazing deals on Amazon! What do I look like turning down 3 shirts for $5.00? Sure, sometimes the shirts might be the same color, but who says we can’t triplet? 100 laundry pods for $8.00? Yes ma’am! I found the same double stroller online that was in the store for $50.00 more. Don’t play with me!

More often than not, I have been extremely satisfied with my online purchases. Whenever I get that rare article of clothing that is too small or too big, I can just hand it up or down. Sometimes I have to use patience because some deals are not as easy to find, but they can be found. This method just works for my family, and we have saved a lot of time and money.

I will say that I broke my online shopping norm to do an in-person trip. I just wanted to see if I was missing anything…. I wasn’t. I ended up spending WAY more than I intended, and I couldn’t find half of what I needed. I did end up leaving with a $5.00 pair of jeans for myself, a bunch of things for the kids, and a massive headache. I’m sticking to my devices!

Don’t forget to check out my website to support my small jewelry business:

www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

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Parenting

Self-Awareness And Parenting

You won’t always get it right, and that’s okay. Parenting is the hardest job ever. You are responsible for raising a whole human-being. As the child ages, it gets tougher. Pray for patience and understanding!

To successfully parent, you have to be able to look in the mirror. Taking responsibility starts with you. You must possess a certain level of maturity. If you can’t see your faults, how can you do better in the future? You can’t put the burden on your children to make better choices if you won’t.

Do you know who gets the blame when your child makes a mistake or acts up? DING! DING! The parents alway get the blame. We may think “Well, that’s not fair. I raised my child right.”, however, not all children are receptive. What I have learned so far: it is not just about what you teach, but how you teach.

You won’t always get it right and neither will your children.

If you have multiple children, as I do, you should know that you can’t parent every child with the same hand(no pun intended). Repeating the same thing over again, in hopes of change, is insanity. This applies to discipline. If it is broken, you need to fix it.

Another thing that I have learned: It is okay to listen you your kids.

I’m not telling you to let your kids run the house. Trust me, if you give them an inch, they will take a whole mile. All I’m saying is that it is important to work with your children instead of always being the big, bad, disciplinarian. You want your children to lean on you instead of fearing you.

As a parent, you should take every opportunity to evaluate yourself and your decisions. A strong foundation starts with YOU(in my case, God). Don’t be afraid to tell yourself that you didn’t get it right today. We all fall short. As long as you have breath in your body, you have another chance!

I just wanted to drop this quick read. It’s always busy around my home during the late-year holidays . While this has been a unique year, we are trying to make the most of these holidays. God bless you and your family.

Don’t forget to check out my other website for some cute and affordable jewelry:

www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

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Autism: From the outside looking in. Lifestyle Parenting

TELEVISION SAVED MY LIFE AS A PARENT.

I know I know….

It is absolutely frowned upon to let your children consume too much of the “idiot box”.

As a matter of fact, my parents only kept up to two televisions in the house until I was in high school. I didn’t have a television in my room until I bought one of my own.

The reason why I preferred having a television in my room is because I have always been afraid of the dark. I still am afraid of the dark. A traditional nightlight just doesn’t cut it.

During the first week of Ariana’s life, I had the worst time getting her to fall asleep. It was already terrible enough that she constantly cried. She didn’t have an issue with colic or health, she just cried a lot. At first, I tried to soothe Ariana with a radio. That worked for a few days. Then, I tried the television.

MAGIC!!!!

Did it stop her from crying? NO. Did the television help her got to sleep? YES JESUS! That means mommy could get some sleep. Mind you, I was battling postpartum depression at the time. I needed to sleep.

It wasn’t the fact that I just had the television on. Ariana specifically wanted to watch “The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air” and “The Oprah Winfrey Show”. Homegirl thought she was grown.

This worked out well because these two shows came on back-to-back. DVR was also my friend when I needed access to these shows multiple times a day.

When Ariana graduated to her own room, I put a television in her room. By then, she had enter the world of Dora The Explorer. We love educational programming! No, she wasn’t sitting in her room, watching tv all day. She needed the television for background noise, just like I did.

As I continued to have kids, television became more of a necessity.

Have you ever tried to make phone calls or handle other important business while several little kids were running around? How did that work out? Have you ever needed to tend to one child, but the other one(s) we’re getting into everything?

Sometimes, you just need your children to sit down and shut the Hell up. Putting on a favorite movie or series with some popcorn just does the trick!

I also found tv to be an educational helper for my special needs boys. They all have shorter than normal attention spans, so traditional teaching doesn’t help much. Julian and Joshua are mostly nonverbal, but they can sing nursery rhymes and recognize some colors. Cocomelon and Baby First TV are their favorites.

Avery learned how to read high frequency words from watching YouTube. Although his comprehension is not good, Avery reads well above grade level. Phonics is his thing!

The thing is, it’s not realistic for me to keep all of my children occupied at the same time. Is using the television taking the lazy way out? It might be to you. However, it makes my household run a little bit easier, especially for my ASD babies. I’m not sure if the problem is how much tv time your children have. I think the problem is the kind of content that your kids are consuming.

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Autism: From the outside looking in. Lifestyle Parenting

Our First Week Of Remote Learning!

Let’s just say that there is not enough wine in the world to go through this. It started out as an atrocity, but it’s getting better.

The state that I live in was obviously not prepared for this school year. The last few months of the last school year was also remote learning, but we had old-fashioned packets and pencils. I guess the state thought we would just pick up where we left off.

This school term is all virtual. This means that we are doing everything over the computer. We are saving trees, folks!

I think that everyone involved in this process needs to understand a few things:

1. The teachers are frustrated as well and would rather teach their babies in a classroom. THIS IS NOT THEIR FAULT!

2. Parents have to learn how to use new applications along with their kids. Some kids are being raised by a generation that is not tech-savvy. Parents, you are allowed to be frustrated!

3. Technology is technology. Something is going to malfunction or crash. Some parents have gotten their kids started in the morning with ease, and some are ready to tear their hair out.

I want to say that I am blessed to be in the position that I am in as a stay at home parent. There are parents who either had to quit their jobs, rearrange their schedules, go without sleep, or entrust their children to a babysitter to help with schoolwork.

Honestly, this was supposed to be the school term that made my house empty. I had plans to throw a party all by myself. I had plans to finally finish that mountain of laundry. I had plans to just enjoy the quiet time.

I complain about it, but I have to look at the fact that parents who work outside of the home are stressed beyond belief right now.

I never understood the last minute open house meetings. Why do I get all of my children’s information three days before starts? It makes no sense. Mind you, I already have the school supplies. Shout out to my early preparation in March!

What alarmed me about this year’s open house was finding out that two of my children were going to be attending different schools. The last minute notice…..

My older three children were set to start school on Monday(August 17th), and my youngest three were set to start later. I was ferociously checking emails and apps on Saturday(August 15th) because none of my children had classes. I hadn’t heard from Avery’s new school.

On Monday(August 17th), I logged into my children’s Google Classroom accounts. Amariyah had her classes, but her teacher is missing. She is being taught by the 5th grade teacher. Avery and Ariana were still without classes. I was able to get Amariyah started on her Zoom meetings with slight difficulties.

I proceeded to call my other children’s schools to figure out what was going on. After about 30 attempts, I finally was able to speak with secretaries. They took my messages, but didn’t call me back. Oh lord! According to a secretary, Avery was transferred to the wrong school.

Meanwhile, Amariyah was just breezing through her meetings with her NOTfourthgrade teacher. She is the type of child who likes to take charge. Sometimes it’s great and other times it’s annoying. I’m referring to the way that she talks over everybody because she just has to be first or correct.

I received a call back from a technical support representative for Ariana at 6:00 that evening. I was instructed to keep checking her email because she was no longer using Google Classroom. I checked Ariana’s email and found some links to get her started for the next day. Unfortunately, I still had no word on Avery.

On Tuesday(August 18th), Amariyah and Ariana logged into their classes and email and got started. I checked Avery’s Google Classroom app. There were two classes. Thank God! I was confused because he was still enrolled at the school that I was told was incorrect. I just wanted my baby to get started so I logged him into his zoom meetings.

Avery had a difficult time concentrating during his meetings. This was to be expected for several reasons. I had to sit next to Avery and help him pay attention.

When it came time for Avery to do his assignments, I had to guide him through his work.

The work that he was given didn’t seem to line up with his IEP. I called the school. I spoke to the secretary who was in charge of special education to express my concerns.

This is when I found out that Avery was in a regular classroom with an EC(Exceptional Children) teacher as backup. I was pretty annoyed at this point. The secretary confirmed to me that she had Avery’s IEP, but she said she never read it. She wanted to see what Avery was capable of doing.

Ummm…. isn’t that the point of the IEP?

I was pissed. I emailed Avery’s EC teacher, but she was also pretty dismissive. I miss his old school because I was used to his teacher. I hope that he can return soon.

Whew! I think that next week is when I will introduce my babies into virtual learning. I guess the therapies for Julian and Joshua will also be virtual…. This will be a movie.

Aside from late starts, defective zoom links, missing classes, and missing teachers, the first week went okay. We will continue to pray moving forward. I still have to get my babies on the bandwagon. This will be fun. We just all have to get used to this new normal.

Please support my small business! I sell jewelry for $5.00 + tax and shipping. Everything is 100% lead and nickel free.

antoniasglamsc8pe.com

OR

www.paparazziaccessories.com/366014

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Lifestyle Parenting

***TRIGGER WARNING*** My Regret: A personal experience with postpartum depression

I am heartbroken as I write this at 2am. I have been sick for the last couple of weeks. I think the symptoms are finally starting to subside. I just knew I was pregnant.

At first, I was nervous at the thought. I already have six children, & a lot of my days can be overwhelming. I am a student & I struggle with depression most days. My older children already help me a lot with certain tasks. As the days went by, I had more & more typical pregnancy symptoms. My breasts had swelled bigger than ever. I had cravings. My sleep pattern was thrown off. The icing on the cake? My period was late. My period was NEVER late, unless I was pregnant.

I prayed about it. I was nervous, but excited at the fact that I could be carrying new life. I hate being pregnant, but for some reason I was really anticipating my husband spoiling me with massages & endless fast food binges again. Yeah…I use pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything in sight.

I contemplated telling my husband before I took a test. I initially decided that I would wait until I got that positive pregnancy test. My period was now two days late, and for some reason, I blurted out “I need a pregnancy test!”. My husband looked taken aback. After the shock wore off, he seemed to be pretty excited at the possibility, especially after I told him my period was late.

Later that evening, my husband bought me a pregnancy test, I went into the bathroom to pee. I knew this drill all too well. I dropped three drops of urine onto the disk and waited impatiently. My stomach dropped as I watched the red dye spread across the disk. It was visibly negative. I didn’t give up hope because I had what I thought was a negative pregnancy test in 2011, but there turned out to be the faintest line when I held it under light. I took the disk apart and looked at the strip under the flashlight of my phone. I was willing myself to see a second line.

As I was gathering myself, my husband opened the bathroom door and inquired anxiously. I was a little nervous to give him the sad news. “It’s negative.”, I said glumly. In a matter of seconds, I saw my husband’s face go from curiosity to sadness. He denied his reaction, but I knew better. I was upset with myself because I didn’t want to clue my husband in until I knew for sure that I was pregnant. I was trying to avoid these reactions.

My period was late for a third day. I scoured Google like a deranged lunatic, trying to renew my hopes. I decided to wait a few more days and test again.

Because I was hardheaded, I took another test. It was also negative. Again, I took the disk apart and started analyzing the strip. I started to wonder if I ovulated later. I was recently involved in a car accident and thought that it threw my cycle off. I thought about the day that my husband and I had sex and I gained some hope. I just knew I was pregnant. My symptoms were stronger than ever. I began to check my cervix every time I went to pee, which was frequently. It was high and there was watery discharge. I was excited because I read several stories on Google that pointed to this as a good sign. I knew damn well that everyone is different. I just needed one story to get my hopes up.

I went through the next day without asking my husband to buy me a pregnancy test. This didn’t stop me from obsessing over Google and looking up just about every scenerio that I could think of in hopes of a positive outcome.

On Sunday morning, I woke up early. I watched a movie with my husband. I then asked my husband to go to the store. I casually asked him to pick up a pregnancy test. My confidence level was through the roof because my period was now five days late. When my husband returned, I took the test into the bathroom nervously. I dropped the usual pee on the test and watched the dye spread across the test like clockwork. I was stunned. It was still negative. At this moment, I was shattered. My husband was adamant about me going to the hospital. I didn’t want to go. I felt it was a waste of time. I wasn’t having an emergency. I had no idea what was going on. I broke down and yelled at the sky “If I’m not pregnant, give me my period!”. I was so devastated and I sounded so ridiculous.

To calm myself, I took a shower and washed my hair. My husband went to pick up dinner and I asked him for another pregnancy test because I was planning on testing again in a few more days.

I finished my shower and hair a couple of hours later. As I was sitting on my bed, I felt a cramp. My heart sunk. It was a familiar cramp. I went to the bathroom and wiped. There was nothing. I was relieved. I stopped myself from pulling my pants up and decided to check my cervix. I pulled my finger out of my vagina and was greeted with a small amount of blood. I furiously grabbed a pad and put it into my underwear. By this time, my husband had returned home. He forgot the test. I told him that my period had started. I could tell that he was sad, but I knew that he was relieved that nothing was wrong with me.

Later on that night, I went to the bathroom. I looked down at my pad, fully expecting to see the obvious. I was shocked. The amount of blood in my pad was the size of a coin. I wiped myself after peeing and saw a little bit more light red blood on the tissue. I had no cramps. I returned to Google and looked up “implantation bleeding”. I was getting my hopes up again, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be counted out. I was desperate for hope. Hours passed and I was still monitoring my bleeding. It was more of the same: a small amount on the pad and a little bit more when I wiped. The next morning, I checked my pad. There wasn’t even enough blood on the pad to cover half of a pantyliner. I was still hopeful. As the afternoon approached, the bleeding started to darken. The amount was the same. There were small clots. Back to Google I went. My “pregnancy” symptoms started to fade and I started cramping. At this point, I went into “fuck it” mode. I continued to obsess over Google. My pad was still mostly white throughout the day.

I set myself up. I knew I had driven myself crazy. Despite being very fertile, which was evident by the amount of kids I already had, I knew there was a slim to zero chance that I could be pregnant.

It wasn’t just because I had this late, light, period. I had my tubes tied almost three years ago after a C-section. I had read all of the stories of women who had gone on to conceive after tubal ligation. I just knew it would happen to me. I expected to haven’t tubes tied during an emergency C-section because I was traumatized. Had I had a clear mind, I would have never authorized the procedure. The doctor asked me if I was sure and I didn’t hesitate. I regretted it months later. I felt like a part of me also went through with it to make other people happy. I get judged a lot for having so many kids. I am always told “You don’t need anymore kids.”. I wanted to prove to everyone that i was done. But I wasn’t. Now I sit here with depression two and a half years later, partially because I made a decision mostly based on other people’s emotions. My body is a mess around the time that my period is slated to begin. I always feel pregnant and my cramps are horrendous. I feel like God is taunting me or punishing me for not letting my body react naturally. Does this sound crazy?

I stayed up to let the tears flow and reflect on the “what ifs”. I know my feelings are selfish because there are people who can’t conceive. I love my husband and I am glad that he is so supportive. Some days I feel like it’s not enough. It’s not his fault. Some days I feel like dying. No amount of consoling could cure that feeling. Maybe one day I will get to experience that miracle again.

My Regret.

****08-18-2020****

I wrote this story a few years ago, as I was going through postpartum depression. I was upset about having my tubes tied because I didn’t like the way I felt. I was also upset because my twins were growing up. I missed them as babies.

Early in our relationship, Donnie told me that he dreamed of having 10 kids. Well, I said he could keep that as a dream.

I spent the majority of my 20’s pregnant. It looks odd, looking from the outside, but I always felt like something was missing from me. As long as I was pregnant, I felt that “something”. I felt whole. However, I hated being pregnant. I know, it’s confusing. The pain and the sickness is not fun.

One way that my body has changed since I had my tubes tied is pain. Around my scheduled ovulation period, I have awful nerve pain. It spreads from the top of my shoulders to the tips of my toes. Sometimes it renders me motionless. The same sensation is felt during the first two days of my period. I had never felt this pain before. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, and I had never felt this pain before.

Another thing that I had to get used to was the frequent “pregnancy scares”. I literally felt like I was pregnant every month, for the first couple of years after I had the twins. I had all of the textbook symptoms and signs. I became obsessed with Google. I knew my body. I knew every time that I was pregnant, except with Ariana(I was young and didn’t know what was happening).

Unfortunately, I didn’t know my new body: My post-tubal ligation body. My new normal definitely made my depression worse, to the point where I actually wanted to actively conceive. I wanted to try for baby number 7, despite my tubes being tied. Donnie had a lot of concerns. First of all, he saw how hard my last pregnancy, labor, and delivery was. Second, we already had a lot of kids, and they are VERY expensive.

Donnie has a habit of trying to make me happy, instead of telling me that I’m making a bad decision. I don’t like that. I have discussed this with him several times. He’s getting better. He agreed that we could try.

Obviously, my dumb ass plan didn’t work. I gave up the idea as I started snapping from my depressive state.

Ask me if I want to have baby number 7. Ask me.

HELL. NO.

With all the love in the world for my kids.

Don’t fight postpartum depression alone. If you experiencing symptoms, such as uncontrollable crying, lack of appetite, thoughts of worthlessness, or frustration (this is not a complete list), please ask for help. Seek out a relative or a trusted friend to help you care for your child.

You can send me an email.

You can also contact the National Postpartum Depression support number for additional resources:

1-800-PPD-MOMS

If you are having thoughts of suicide, PLEASE contact this number:

1-800-273-8255

Having postpartum depression DOES NOT make you a bad parent. Your body just went through a significant shift. Sometimes we just need time to process this emotionally and physically.

God bless.

Categories
Lifestyle Parenting

The Cursing Parent? Let’s Talk About That Sh*t!

First of all, cursing doesn’t make you a bad person at all. Honestly, I don’t even know how these choice words even got their bad stigma. All I know is that when someone hits a pinky toe on the wall corner, their first instinct isn’t to yell, “Oh for heaven’s sake!”. Some people feel embarrassed because they “slipped” and said a curse word. The truth is, it’s natural to drop an F-bomb when one experiences such excruciating pain.

Okay…. so what does it mean when you curse in front of your own children? It means absolutely nothing!

Look, Spongbob Squarepants called curse words “sentence enhancers”. There were no truer words spoken. Nothing drives your point across quite like “Sit your ass down!”. Don’t act like your kids’ behavior doesn’t frustrate you. Don’t you get tired of telling your child the same thing over and over again? Eventually, frustration is going to win.

When I was younger, I never heard my mother say a curse word. My daddy wore that crown. My mother wouldn’t even let her kids tell each other to “shut up”. After raising kids for more than 30 years, my mom has let the sparks fly. It’s refreshing, honestly. I mean, you are made to believe that there is a bed waiting for you in Hell for using these words.

I actually went through a couple of periods of a vocabulary cleansing. It was more of a “spiritual cleansing” in my eyes. At that time, I felt like God wasn’t going to bless me or I was damned to Hell for cursing. Oh brother!

Cursing doesn’t have to have emotion behind it. Let me introduce you to the casual curser. The casual curser has curse words imbedded in their vocabulary. They might even be “doing the most” by using 90% curse words in a simple sentence. Leave those people alone. Have you ever played Mario Kart with your very experienced kids? I rest my case.

Unless you keep your kids locked up and plugged up, they are going to hear cursing from somewhere.

Yes, my kids hear me curse. Yes, one of my kids has repeated a curse word. I took Avery to enroll in pre-kindergarten 4 years ago. I was signing his paperwork when he suddenly let the F-bomb fly repeatedly. I was embarrassed. No, my child shouldn’t have been cursing. The administrator laughed the incident off, but I could tell that she was uncomfortable. I apologized profusely because one thing that I don’t want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable or disrespected. There are people who believe in something so strongly that they will use the “I’ll show you” approach against the opposition. Those people are assholes.

Do I want my kids(at their current ages) cursing to other people? No. Are they doing it in places like school? Most likely. I never uttered any curse words in my parents’ house, as a child. You bet your ass I did at school. The first time I remember cursing was in 3rd grade.

Donnie and I curse often when we have conversations. We aren’t fighting. We just casually throw those bad boys in there. One thing that I love about Donnie is his sensitivity. He also doesn’t like to offend or disrespect people either. There are certain words or phrases that rarely will or never will leave my mouth. Certain words and phrases just bother me. Some of those words are synonyms for a vagina. Whew, girl! No ma’am….

I believe that most of the behaviors that children, who eventually become adults, are learned behaviors. I’d rather my child learn a curse word than to learn hate any day. I’m not sitting around cursing my kids out. If you are worried that your child will be a bad person because of words, you have nothing to worry about.

If you are interested in jewelry, I sell paparazzi jewelry through my business, “Antonia’s Glamsc8pe”. Feed your $5.00 habit at my online store:

https://www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

Categories
Autism: From the outside looking in. Parenting

Putting A Leash On Your Child?

I said that I would never do that. Of course, my daddy told me Lane we say never”. He was correct.

I remember observing someone walking their child with a leash. I scoffed like a judgmental asshole. It looked absolutely ridiculous. At that time, I didn’t have kids. I said that I would never have my child walking around like some pet.

I stuck to that sentiment as I began having kids. Then, the twins came along. I noticed Joshua’s inability to comprehend. It was always there. I started noticing Julian’s inability shortly after. He had started regressing. Still, when we went out, Donnie and I kept all of the babies in 2 different strollers. It was a lot of work, but we managed.

I purchased three harness leashes in early 2018. I wanted to ditch the strollers during our upcoming beach trip. It just made things easier. I just didn’t want to overload our van with suitcases and strollers.

It was a disaster. First of all, I was embarrassed. I didn’t know what others were thinking as they were staring at me. These were some of the same stares that I gave to other parents before I actually became one. A lot of people don’t understand autism, so it’s easy for them to say “That’s child needs to be whooped”. A lot of people stare. Rarely, I will get sympathy from another understanding parent or caregiver.

Relying on the harnesses was a disaster. That is why the pessimism in me told me to also purchase handcuff leashes. The clips on Joshua’s harness broke. Julian and Joshua had the worst meltdowns whenever we walked somewhere. Jessica actually did a great job with the harness. She did so well that I allowed my other kids to hold the leash while she walked around.

I was definitely missing the strollers. They would be apart of any future trips that we would take.

After going through the appointments, assessments, and therapies, with the boys in 2019, I decided to keep them in strollers. I finally had answers as to why I noticed delays and regressions. Also, it was much easier to tote around heavy strollers than to deal with a bunch of stares and judgment in public. I still used the leases at the ocean though.

As Julian and Joshua grew, it was difficult to find a stroller big enough to accommodate them. They are 4 and 5 years old, at this point. The strollers were either too small or too expensive. I settled on a double jogging stroller. That will probably buy us two years, until we have to come up with another option. I will probably have to buy a wagon.

There was a delay in shipping, so their stroller didn’t arrive in time for our zoo trip, earlier this month. Jessica could walk freely, without being tethered to someone else. That’s as one less stroller that needed to be packed. We still used the double stroller that I bought for Joshua and Jessica when they were born. The boys looked ridiculous in it.

Julian threw a big tantrum when we stopped for lunch. Normally, the boys will cry if the stroller stops moving. They always like to be on the go. I thought that was what was wrong with Julian. Donnie pushed the stroller around, but Julian was still not satisfied. At that point, I concluded that he wanted to be free of the stroller. We weren’t in a store, where he could knock things over. Why not? I pulled a handcuff leash out of the diaper bag and put it around Julian’s wrist. To my disbelief, he did a great job. I still had to tug the leash a few times to get him in the right direction, but Julian did really well. He seemed to really enjoy the walk. True to form, he started crying every time we stopped walking.

Joshua stayed in the stroller. He would have rolled all over the ground instead of walking.

Though I had my apprehensions at first, I don’t regret using a harness or leash for my children. My pride is less significant than their safety. I’m not trying to make a fashion statement, although, I do have some cute colors. Thanks Amazon!

If you are interested in jewelry, I sell paparazzi jewelry through my business, “Antonia’s Glamsc8pe”. Feed your $5.00 habit at my online store:

https://www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

Categories
Lifestyle

My Return To My 100% Natural Hair…..

I say “return” because my hair was natural at one point. Everyone’s hair was or still is….

My mother relaxed my hair for the first time when I was 12. I remember my parents arguing about the issue. My father was against relaxers, but my mother just wanted our hair to be more manageable. I didn’t complain. I hated getting my hair done for hours. I hated the feeling of combs breaking against my scalp because the teeth were caught on a knot. I also longed to shake my hair “like the white girls”. I didn’t know much about my hair texture when I was a child…..

I was excited to get that relaxer. I could show off the true length of my hair, and tuck it behind my ears without resistance.

My first relaxed hairstyle was a roller set. I was pissed off. I wanted straight, flowing, hair. I was pissed off at my mom. I combed my curls out and my hair was frizzy. Now it was my mom’s turn to be pissed.

I started putting in my own relaxers when I turned 18. I put one in every couple of months. I was able to straighten my hair the way I wanted to. That way left me with creases in my hair….

By the time I was 21, I started experimenting with shorter haircuts. I knew that my hair would grow back. I eventually cut back relaxers to once a year. I really missed the volume in my hair. I naturally have thick hair, but with the relaxer, my hair is much thinner and very fragile.

In 2018, I did it. I did the big chop. I had 12 inches of my hair cut off. I was inspired to make this decision after consulting a friend and watch several YouTube videos. I had also just done a chop on Ariana’s hair because she wanted her natural curls back. I didn’t want her to feel alone. I washed my hair and put my husband up to the task of cutting it.

My first impression of my new style was regret. What was I going to do with it? My hair was coiled in the back, but loose and wavy in the front. I figured that Donnie had left some relaxed hair in the front of my head, so I cut another inch. Nope, my natural hair in the front was just loose and wavy.

The positive thing about my natural hair was that I was able to twist my hair in some cute styles. The negative thing was that I shed a lot of hair. I was shedding more hair than I was when I had a relaxer.

I was doing weekly washes and twists. I never put heat in my hair, except when I deep conditioned. It was the same cycle: wash, deep condition, regular condition, detangle, trim, oil, leave-in conditioner, custard, twist. Pairing the products perfectly was rough.

I was burned out after awhile. I had four heads of hair to do in total. Two of those four heads has 4c type hair. I’m not good with doing 4c hair. Having multiple children means that you have to study multiple hair types. This was not for me. I needed to get all of this hair done quickly. With so many kids, I didn’t have the time or patience for my hair.

After a year and a half of completely natural hair, I slapped a relaxer in my hair. There was something about blow drying my hair and then being able to just slap it in a bun. The only thing that I regret is that my hair doesn’t hold moisture as easily as it did when it was natural.

It’s been a year since my relaxer. I think I might hold out a little longer.

I’m not opposed to my natural hair state. I wouldn’t mind trying it again. I just don’t have a lot of time to devote to my hair like I use to. One day I might go back. For now, the once a year relaxer works for me. I get just enough of the benefit of manageability.

If you are interested in jewelry, I sell paparazzi jewelry through my business, “Antonia’s Glamsc8pe”. Feed your $5.00 habit at my online store:

https://www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com