Categories
Lifestyle

AN ODE TO MY FORMER LOVE

You always seemed to follow me, no matter where I went. You were like a stray, looking for a home.

After much resistance, I finally decided to let you in.

We spent a lot of time together. I kept you company. I sheltered you. I fed you.

We became so close. We became inseparable. I was obsessed. I found my identity in you. I loved you.

You always share intimate stories with me. I was intrigued. They made me think.

And think. And think.

All I could do was think.

You asked me if you could have some friends over.

Without hesitation, I let them in.

They stayed longer than I anticipated, but I avoided the confrontation.

That was the day that I lost my backbone.

The space was smaller than ever. I was suffocating.

The nightly parties became tiring, but I held in there because I didn’t want to ruin your fun.

The more that I gave you, the more you wanted.

The attachment that we had became so unhealthy. I remember when I made a new friend. You were so jealous.

Every time I tried to distance myself, you kept pulling me back in. You convinced me that I didn’t need anyone or anything else.

You convinced me that everyone else saw me through a dirty glass.

I started to believe you. I let it happen.

I cut off my new friend.

Every time my new friend reached out to me, I rejected the communication.

You were my drug. I couldn’t quit you. You molded me. You changed the way I functioned. You changed the way that I saw myself. You isolated me.

You convinced me that everything was okay.

I believed you.

Your grip on me became tighter than ever.

I was in grave condition. I felt like my life was slipping away.

Out of fear, I reached out to a familiar stranger. I had nowhere to go, but up.

The walls that were once closing in began to crack. I felt like I was able to catch my breath.

I found enough strength to finally put my foot down.

This was the day that I found my backbone.

Your grip around my neck was slowly slipping away.

You gave me an ultimatum.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I made the right decision.

I packed your things & tossed them out. I no longer wished to be burdened by your baggage.

That was the day that I had to let you go.

I loved you. I trusted you. I almost gave you my life. Yet, you still kept sucking me dry.

I was no longer your host.

You could no longer control me.

I could no longer try to change you.

I was done believing your lies. I was no longer bound by your manipulation. I no longer behaved under the spell of your intimidation. I no longer accepted your abuse.

The walls started separating from the foundation. The house came crashing down.

I lost everything that man could make.

Amongst the wreckage, I found something priceless. I found something that could renew me.

I found my new love.

My peace.

Categories
Lifestyle

I GOT DIVORCED: What I learned…

Divorce is one of those sensitive topics, especially right now. A lot of people are going through one right now. Life was all sweet and perfect until a pandemic hit. Nothing was broken until significant others were forced to sit down and evaluate.

Divorce was one of the hardest and most vital decisions that I ever made for my mental health and for my kids.

It’s normal to hit a brick wall in your relationship. Sometimes you work through that barrier with your significant other. Sometimes you work through that barrier by yourself. Sometimes you try so hard to break through the layers, but it won’t budge.

There was no arguing in the month leading up to my announcement. That was unusual because the entirety of the relationship was full of arguments.

I felt like we were mentally and physically at a place where we were over each other. We barely acknowledged each other’s presence. We didn’t share our room. We were just existing. There was no progress. There was no building. There were no breakthroughs. We were both obviously just over it.

Sometimes it takes a clear mind and conscience to finally pull the plug on a dead end situation. They say that if you are still arguing, that means you are still fighting for your relationship or you still care. I think that is true in most cases.

I felt like needed to set each other free from whatever was holding us back. We were on different paths, and had different goals. Wherever we were going, we could not take one another.

I was tired of staying “for the kids”. As much as I didn’t want to uproot my kids, and fracture the only family they had ever known, I knew that I was making a beneficial decision.

I kept going over the pros and cons in my head. There were several fear-based cons. There were a few pros. The few pros seemed to outweigh my fears. I definitely didn’t make the decision overnight or take it lightly.

A few weeks before I made my announcement, I confided in a friend. I just blurted it out: “I don’t want to be married anymore.”. She was stunned.

Honestly, I was too. That was the first time I had said those words out loud. I was so nervous to say anything to my (ex)husband. It’s funny how it’s easy to threaten divorce when you are screaming at each other…..

I wanted to make sure that I had some things in place before I made such a major change. Part of me also wanted to see if I could change my mind.

I gathered up the nerve to blurt out those words again: “I don’t want to be married anymore.”. It was towards the middle of January in 2014. I was on my way to work.

He wasn’t upset. He seemed a little shocked, but I think it was because of the timing. I explained my rationale. There was no argument. He agreed. It was settled.

I moved out two weeks later. The day before I moved, I was working an evening shift. I called my (ex)husband on break and told him that I changed my mind. I think I was so nervous. He decided that it was best that we continue the plan of separation. I didn’t argue against it.

I wanted to take my time, but he was already rushing my stuff out to the car by 8:30am. He said that he wanted to hurry and get it done. I could tell….

I arrived to a friend’s house with my kids. It was so weird. It was so different. I was very emotional. I knew that I wasn’t in love with him anymore, but I couldn’t contain my emotions. I felt like I had failed my children. Ariana asked questions. I tried to answer them the best way that I could. I had already taken her through so much.

I cried for a week. I fell into a slight depression. I even got drunk and texted him. I told him that I still loved him.

“It was all a lie!”- in my Karlie Redd voice(love and hip hop).

I think I was really trying to reconcile with the fact that my marriage was over. I’m sure that he was enjoying the empty home. I don’t fault him for that. Again, some people are on different paths.

Surprisingly, I snapped out of my mourning period pretty quickly. Even with the immense amount of stress, I felt like I was ready to stop feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to feel normal again.

I started mapping out plans to be a single parent(again). I made some adjustments to reach my goals. It proved to be much more difficult than I thought it would be, but I was determined.

In addition to working at least five days a week and taking a full schedule of classes online, I decided to pursue a second job opportunity.

It was a disaster. My grades were slipping, and I was spending less time away from my kids. I had simply taken on more than I could handle at the time. It was time to let some balls go.

I started dating Donnie in late February. As complicated as my life was at the time, I was happy to be dating again. Still, I was working towards my goals. Donnie was working towards his goals as well.

I told Donnie everything about me. The skeletons came out of the closet. I knew things were getting serious, so I wanted to be honest about everything that he was getting from me.

As our relationship grew, our goals became a collaboration.

After a meeting with my ex-husband, Donnie met my kids in May. They adored him. Was it too soon? Eh, our relationship was moving pretty quickly.

I had already been pregnant. The outcome of my pregnancy brought Donnie and I even closer. He provided great emotional support and physical support.

Despite everything, my relationship with Donnie proceeded with some caution. I was still dealing with the fallout and drama from my separation. The last thing that I needed was more drama.

I didn’t care about being judged. I did not care. My relationship with Donnie was a place where I could escape. It was a place where I could catch my breath. It was a place where my mind wasn’t overwhelmed.

Donnie and I continued to flourish as a couple. I was so happy. Not that cheap happiness that comes with money or materials. I was genuinely happy in my heart. Something was just different. I saw a lasting future with Donnie.

Exactly one year after separating from my (ex)husband, I filed for divorce. It didn’t hit me while I was filing the paperwork. I was ready to get it done.

My divorce from my (ex)husband was finalized in the middle of April of 2015. I woke up nervous that day. I had my dress picked out for my hearing and my accordion file prepared. I stopped at Dollar General to pick up a pair of tights. They were two small in the thigh area and I accidentally tore one of the legs. Lord have mercy! I was already feeling insecure from the milk leaking from my nipples and the pain in my stomach from having just given birth to Julian.

The hearing was quick. I didn’t want anything from my (ex)husband. We didn’t have anything anyway. I just wanted my maiden name back. The divorce was granted. The paperwork was sent to the clerk’s office.

My (ex)husband and I went down the same elevator after the hearing. We couldn’t look at each other. We didn’t speak. It felt like someone kicked me in my stomach and knocked the wind out of me. I was genuinely sick to my stomach. I wasn’t sad because I missed my marriage. Hell no. I was sad because I felt like I had wasted my time. I felt like that moment was unreal. After five years of marriage and separation, it was finally over.

After I caught my breath, I went back inside the courthouse to apply for a new marriage license.

Yes I did!

Donnie and I married five days later. It was fast, but I was ready for this new chapter. We were both ready.

After almost 7 years of being together, I can honestly say that I love Donnie more than I did when we first married. This love just hits different.

I will never regret my decision to divorce. Regretting my decision means denying my peace. Regretting my decision means denying the rest of my happiness.

If you are looking for some beautiful, yet affordable jewelry, head over to my website:

http://www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

If you are looking to for some bath and body smell goods, check out my daughters’ newly launched business, ScentSc8pe:

http://www.scentsc8pebyaa.com

Thank you!

Categories
Lifestyle Parenting

My oldest daughters launched their business, ScentSc8pe! They sell a variety of homemade bath & body products.

I had been thinking of the concept of this business for about six months.

Originally, I was going to take on ScentSc8pe, but with the condition of my current business, Glamsc8pe, I knew that was a tall order. After several months, I decided to approach my girls with the business. Why not?! I saw this as a great teaching moment. I thought they would have fun while learning the basics of business.

The girls were very excited to start this venture. It was not only a chance for them to learn business techniques, but it was also a great opportunity to work on their relationship. They are in two different age groups, but I think that the sisterly bond is extremely important.

I like to use everything as a teachable moment. Having fun is great, but parenting during the storms is the most important test.

ScentSc8pe By Ariana & Amariyah was born on January 1st, 2021.

It has really been a fulfilling experience. Besides strengthening their bond, Ariana & Amariyah have used this time to really showcase their many talents.

Amariyah has a very creative nature. She is most definitely an actress. Sometimes that’s a great thing, and other times, not so much.

Ariana has a knack for learning. Like myself, she is a visual learner, and is open to learning new things. Sometimes she let’s her stubbornness get in the way.

Well, they both do. This produces another teachable moment: working through differences.

Boy, do they have differences. At the end of the day, they love each other. Even through some challenges in their relationship, they have been able to weather storms. Situations that were meant to destroy their relationship have actually strengthened it.

You may think that I sound silly, but sibling rivalry is a real thing, and it can last into adulthood. Satan is a crafty asshole, and he is definitely in the business of sowing seeds of division.

God is a fierce protector, however.

I’m proud of Ariana & Amariyah. Please support my girls by shopping their website:

https://www.scentsc8pebyaa.com/

Thank you & God bless

Categories
Lifestyle Parenting

Happy New Year!

The new year will be here in a few days. You know what that means?

YES! Everyone will be making superficial resolutions that they will only put thought in for the first few months of the year. Also, the eye-rolling, “I’m leaving (fill in the blank) in (fill in the outgoing year)!”…Like it’s that easy.

I really wish I could leave my bills in 2020. That wouldn’t workout well though….

“This is my year!”. I remember saying that at the beginning of 2020.

2020 was supposed to be the year that I put all of my kids in school, and I would be home alone.

But COVID-19 happened….

I stopped making these resolutions awhile ago. It has something to do with that expectation factor. I don’t like that….

For three years in a row, I put myself on a weight-loss challenge. By April of each year, I found myself saying “It is what it is.”….

(Unhealthy)Carbs for the win!

Instead, I self-reflect quite often. I like to examine the good situations and the bad situations… How can I build on this? How can I do better next time?

As I have said before, you can’t make inroads if you don’t take responsibility for the good AND the bad situations in your life.

You don’t have to claim every situation that pertains to you(takes notes). When you respond to drama and negativity, you are inserting yourself in that bad situation. You are causing your own problem.

I previously talked about self-reflection as a parent. To me, this is an extremely important step to working WITH your child(ren) towards a healthy relationship. However, you can’t just be willing to enjoy the fun times of parenting. You have to be able to parent when things get rough. Don’t be hard on yourself up for not getting it right. Be hard on yourself for not trying to do better. I’m working on it and praying for it everyday.

I have also talked about self-reflection as a spouse or partner. All relationships take TIME and WORK to evolve. I wish that I could say that you get back what you put it, but that is not always true. ALL parties involved in a relationship have to be willing to work together. However, you may outgrow your partner and your relationship, and that is okay. Don’t waste your time trying to pull someone up when they are not ready because you will be dragged right back down with them.

It’s important to be happy! It’s vital for good mental health. It’s okay to be free. It’s okay to protect your energy.

Anyway, let me stop before I get too preachy.

For the New Year, I just thank God for life. Without life, I wouldn’t have my little(or big) family. I also thank God for a strong and healthy marriage. My husband and I weathered many storms throughout 2020. We have definitely been blessed and will continue to be blessed.

2020 may be over, but COVID-19 is still very real. It especially becomes real when you know someone who has battled it. Please be considerate of others. Please continue to pray for those who are going into this New Year with uncertainty. God Bless us all!

Happy New Year!

I also want to shout out the many people that I have met this year because of my small business. Thank you so much for supporting my new venture. Thank you for advice, assistance, and donations! My website is always open to you:

http://www.glamsc8pe.com

Stay tuned for something NEW for the New Year! My girls are super excited about this✨

Categories
Parenting

Self-Awareness And Parenting

You won’t always get it right, and that’s okay. Parenting is the hardest job ever. You are responsible for raising a whole human-being. As the child ages, it gets tougher. Pray for patience and understanding!

To successfully parent, you have to be able to look in the mirror. Taking responsibility starts with you. You must possess a certain level of maturity. If you can’t see your faults, how can you do better in the future? You can’t put the burden on your children to make better choices if you won’t.

Do you know who gets the blame when your child makes a mistake or acts up? DING! DING! The parents alway get the blame. We may think “Well, that’s not fair. I raised my child right.”, however, not all children are receptive. What I have learned so far: it is not just about what you teach, but how you teach.

You won’t always get it right and neither will your children.

If you have multiple children, as I do, you should know that you can’t parent every child with the same hand(no pun intended). Repeating the same thing over again, in hopes of change, is insanity. This applies to discipline. If it is broken, you need to fix it.

Another thing that I have learned: It is okay to listen you your kids.

I’m not telling you to let your kids run the house. Trust me, if you give them an inch, they will take a whole mile. All I’m saying is that it is important to work with your children instead of always being the big, bad, disciplinarian. You want your children to lean on you instead of fearing you.

As a parent, you should take every opportunity to evaluate yourself and your decisions. A strong foundation starts with YOU(in my case, God). Don’t be afraid to tell yourself that you didn’t get it right today. We all fall short. As long as you have breath in your body, you have another chance!

I just wanted to drop this quick read. It’s always busy around my home during the late-year holidays . While this has been a unique year, we are trying to make the most of these holidays. God bless you and your family.

Don’t forget to check out my other website for some cute and affordable jewelry:

www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

Categories
Lifestyle Parenting

The Sweetest Embrace….

This is one of those stories that I struggled to share. Actually, this is one of maybe ten stories that I struggled to share. Before I went public with my blog, I thought that this “open book” thing was going to be easy.

Yeah….

I started struggling with my weight when I was in high school. Between being sick and going through puberty, I became disgusted by my body. My hips started spreading, and I had the slightest pudge in my stomach. I hated looking in the mirror. I often wore my middle school wardrobe as motivation for the weight that I wanted to be.

I remember the morning that I was discharged from a hospital stay when I was in the 9th grade. I put my size 11 jeans on. When I stood up, my pants feel to my feet. I thought that I had forgotten to button them. When I pulled my pants back up, I noticed how wide they were in the waist.

I was shocked and excited. I lost weight! Due to the various tests and procedures that I had undergone, I was placed on a strict diet. I just didn’t notice that this diet would have a big impact on my body. I was able to fit my older sister’s size 7 jeans! My clothes from middle school fit like a glove.

Literally…. My breasts were developing, so those shirts were tight in the chest area.

Once I was allowed to return to a normal diet, the pounds came creeping back. In no time, I was back in my size 11 jeans. It was so frustrating!

I started my first homemade “diet” when I was in 11th grade. I ate one Granny Smith apple a day, drank a lot of water, and had 1 hour of exercise a day.

I dropped 30 pounds in a month.

I started wearing my middle school clothes to school again. I knew my shirts were too short, but they clung to me and showed my flat tummy. I just knew I was cute.

I nearly fainted at school a week later. My father was understandably pissed off that he had to come pick me up. He was working second shift, and sleeping during the day. My mother was working first shift and had a lengthy commute from home.

I confessed to my father that I hadn’t been eating. I had never let my parents know about my issues with my body. He yelled at me for a good portion of the ride home:

“You know damn well you’re supposed to eat!”

I felt like I couldn’t talk to my parents about this issue. It was something that haunted me for years. I decided to just let them think I was acting stupid.

I started eating a regular diet and wearing my normal fitting clothes again. It was time for me to accept the fact that I wasn’t going to fulfill my dreams of wearing crop tops and low-rise jeans.

I gained about 60 pounds when I was pregnant with Ariana. It didn’t bother me much because I was able to use pregnancy as an excuse. I had to gain weight for the baby, right? Most of that extra weight went to my breasts, stomach, and face.

After I had Ariana, I began to lose the weight. I credit postpartum depression for that. I remember admiring my flattening stomach while I was in the psychiatric hospital.

After several months, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was impressed by my ability to be able to keep my weight in check for years. I actually started to accept my curves. The guys loved the curves.

I always craved that attention from guys. I was always jealous of my older sister for getting it. I didn’t know that I was seeking to wrong type of attention. I loved it though. My self-esteem was higher than ever.

Maybe I was never fat to begin with!

I started gaining weight again when Ariana was three. At that time, I was in my first marriage, and I had stopped putting so much into my appearance. I was never into appearances. It just didn’t matter to me. I thought that my husband wouldn’t care because he loved me.

WRONG!

Another damn expectation placed on the woman.

When I was pregnant with Amariyah, the weight started piling on.

My thighs had never rubbed together before. For the first time in my life, the first number on the scale read “2”. I was gutted. I never thought that I would see the day.

After I had Avery, I completely let myself go. I didn’t even want to know what I looked like. I avoided the mirror as much as I could. I didn’t even do my hair in front of a mirror.

I was forced to confront my appearance after seeing a picture of myself from Avery’s first birthday party. It was a very humbling experience. Everyone feels like they look good until that picture is taken.

I’m not talking about a deceptive selfie…..

I reconnected with a grade school classmate on Facebook. It turns out that she had become a nutrition coach. After catching up for a few minutes, she introduced me to the Medifast diet. She gave me her testimony on how it worked for her. I was intrigued.

It was expensive, but I was desperate. My then-husband and I were having trouble paying our bills, but I could tell that he was excited at the idea of me losing weight. At a time when my marriage was quickly deteriorating, I thought that it was the least that I could do to salvage what was left.

The food was nasty. I had to eat five meal replacements a day, plus cook a healthy dinner. I added exercise into my regimen after a month. I was impressed by how fast the pounds were falling off.

I had one cheat day. A friend blessed me with a lunch date at Red Lobster. That endless shrimp was heavenly! Don’t get me started on the Dr. Pepper!

I stepped on the scale a couple of days later. I had gained three pounds. I could tell that my husband was annoyed. I was understanding. We were shelling out a lot of money for me to do this, and I slipped up.

After six months, I lost a total of 70 pounds. I felt fantastic! I graduated from my husband’s clothes to some new, cute clothes that I treated myself with. My husband even acted like he was attracted to me again. That didn’t go unnoticed. As bad as it sounds, I was loving the outside attention that I was getting as well.

After I separated from my then-husband, I gave up the diet. It was more important than ever to solely focus on providing for my babies.

I never entered the official maintenance portion of the diet, but I was able to keep my weight under control with small food portions.

When I started dating Donnie, he knew that I had been struggling with my image. Being the sweetheart that he is, he told me that I didn’t need to diet.

That was easy for him to say. He never saw me at my heaviest weight.

We had both actually just experienced a drastic weight loss. When Donnie and I found out that we were going to have a baby, the weight started creeping back. I craved cantaloupe and Dr. Pepper all of the time.

After I miscarried, I started relying on bad eating habits again. After a a couple of months, I was pregnant with Julian. Again, I put on a lot of weight. Again, I didn’t let it bother me because I needed to put on weight for the baby.

After I gave birth to the twins, I was at the highest weight of my life. Once again, I was forced to confront my appearance.

I took extra pride in doing my hair. My hair is something that I could always count on. Even when my hair was going through different phases of damage(illness related), cuts, and styles, it never let me down. I never had a problem growing my hair. I told myself that as long as my hair was done, the rest of my appearance didn’t matter.

It was nice to have the reassurance of my husband, Donnie, though. He has never made me feel like I am unattractive. He has always loved me. Knowing this made me take some pressure off of myself.

Maybe I don’t need to keep a certain appearance to please a man! The right man! The man who loves me unconditionally!

Sure, people got their fat jokes off at my expense. Good for them. For the first time in my life, I didn’t care because my husband loved every inch of me. My husband helped me love myself. I know that I’m not perfect, but I’m me. What can be better than that?! Certainly I’m not being miserable and cracking jokes on someone else.

Still, I knew I needed to lose weight for health reasons.

I also wanted to look better for me. Why wasn’t I blessed with good genes?! I have seen larger women with great figures:

Titties? Sitting. Ass? Poked. Frame? Hour glass.

Me? The opposite…..

Google told me that I was shaped like a damn apple….

My parents tried to blame my child-rearing for the weight. I mean, food is also good… When I’m depressed, I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I started a Keto diet when the twins were two years old. I was impressed with the quick weight loss. Unfortunately, my weight loss stalled after losing 25 pounds.

Next, I tried the Atkins diet. It seemed similar to the Keto diet. It was a cute diet, but my weight loss was not cute. I gave up on that quickly. I tried a few more weight loss applications. They just didn’t do the job for me.

I was skeptical about Weight Watchers. This is the oldest diet that I had heard of. I was hesitant because I had to open my purse again. This time, the damage was far less.

I started the program in January of this year. I was actually impressed. You just track and eat in within your point allotment. You don’t have to worry about keeping track of carbs and fat and micros and macros… You know, those pesky numbers that indicate that you are overdoing it….

I think that my favorite part was the lack of food restrictions. I could literally eat what I wanted. The downside was that the portions were extremely small, compared to what I normally would eat. Sometimes I would find myself craving a 17-point Big Mac with only 2 points left.

Huge sigh!

I started losing weight at a normal pace, and I was happy with my results. I was no longer obsessing with the scale. I was obsessing over how amazing my new clothes fit.

One thing that I learned about myself from doing Weight Watchers is that I need to stop putting expectations on myself. I will probably never be tiny again, and that’s okay with me.

Part of the reason why I was failing at these diets is because I only had my eyes on the end result. I didn’t celebrate the small victories. I was only focused on being skinny instead of making realistic goals.

My goal is to be healthy and happy. Salads may make me healthy, but they don’t always make me happy. Oreos may not be healthy, but I will be happy eating them. Thanks WW!

It’s all a work in progress, and I’m still working. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not at my highest weight anymore. Success!

Unfortunately, I’m human. I fell off of my program during my most recent confrontation with depression. I am currently taking things one day at a time until I am fully able to recommit

I want this story to promote happiness and acceptance.

I want to let you know that you don’t have to fit into a box that was designated by man. Break the norms. Fat doesn’t have to equal unhealthy or unattractive, and skinny doesn’t have to equal sexy or desirable.

Stand confident in you. Love you! You weren’t put on this earth to make people accept you.

Thank you for your support, and feel free leave feedback!

Also, don’t forget to check out my other website for some affordable jewelry:

www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

Categories
Lifestyle Uncategorized

THE DREADED ELECTION: Take Two!

While my household slept, I walked to my polling place to submit my vote. It was a cold, November day in 2016. It took me less than two minutes to reach my destination. As usual, I was swarmed by small office candidates. I honestly had no idea who they were. Still, I smiled as I accepted the fliers.

I went to that poll knowing damn well that Donald Trump was not going to win the 2016 election. I normally vote, but I didn’t want to vote in that election. I voted anyway because I knew my mother would ask if i had.

I reluctantly placed my vote for Hilary Clinton. I didn’t really care for Hilary. I just knew that I had to be realistic. Somebody was going to win this election. I just didn’t want it to be Donald Trump.

After I cast my ballot, I walked back home. Everyone was still sleeping, so I laid back down.

My friend came over that afternoon to braid my hair. We talked about an array of subjects, but the election was heavy on our minds and in our hearts. History was about to be made! Whether we cared for Hilary Clinton or not, she was going to be the first woman president. As a woman, I was kind of excited.

I flipped the living room television to CNN. This network was also quite confident in Hilary Clinton’s chances.

As polls closed, the map was starting to look a little funny. I was slightly worried, but no big deal! The margin of error warning was there for a reason.

At around 10:00pm, I watched in horror as the state of Florida turned red. “It’s over!”, I cried to my friend. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. Hell, even Right-leaning Fox News had Hilary edging by.

I was visibly shaken for the rest of that night. I cried myself to sleep. I was sure that the “Access Hollywood” tape scandal would’ve done him in.

Not. One. Bit. It was so crazy how much bullshit people were willing to overlook. Don’t get me wrong, Mrs. Clinton has a ton of skeletons herself. I guess you could say that everyone was overlooking a lot of bullshit, no matter who they voted for.

Unfortunately, we slept on Donald Trump. We got complacent. I was one of millions who underestimated him. We can cry about “Russia” all we want, but the fact of the matter is that Trump out-strategized Hilary.

We did make history. We elected the first reality star and celebrity elite to the highest office in the land. I thought Republicans hated the celebrity elites….

Throughout his term, I knew that there was no way that Trump would be removed from office. Democrats were so obsessed with finding ways to destroy that man. I knew better. I knew that the only way to get rid of Trump was to beat him. We had to vote.

The impeachment trial was a waste of time and money. I knew damn well that it wouldn’t hold piss water. Yes, Trump will have the stain of impeachment on his record, but the senate refused to remove him. Who didn’t see that coming with a Republican-controlled senate? Is Trump guilty of misconduct(not necessarily election related)?Absolutely! Did that stop him? Nope!

For four years, Trump and his supporters continued to get under the skin of millions of people. I was confused. “If Trump is so great and he is for America, why do his supporters make it seem like his presidency is a punishment for the opposition? Wouldn’t they want him to turn all of the opposition?”.

Every day there was a new lie. There was a new insult. There was a new projection. There was another disgusting story. There was another conspiracy. The truth is, Trump made a few strides during his term. Most of his opposition didn’t notice because his crass nature and petty attitude spoke louder.

When COVID-19 came to the United States, there was a fear. I think it was a valid fear. It was so spreading, and still is spreading like wildfire.

You know that I have ore-existing health conditions, including lung inflammation. I wanted no parts of Rona.

Yes, I understand that the survival rate from Covid-19 is very high. However, I would never chance it. I’m still not confident that I would make it out alive if I became infected. Besides, I have too much to lose.

I hated the way that Donald Trump downplayed the virus. At first, he seemed serious. I even tuned into the task force meetings. It seemed like the more the economy suffered, due to shutdowns, the more Trump kept downplaying the virus.

He put his ego before the country. That point was solidified. As a businessman, Donald Trump is all about the numbers. He spent more than four years eerily obsessed with Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. Sounds like “derangement syndrome” to me. There was no way that he was going to be outdone.

When Trump and his family became infected with COVID-19, the reception was mixed. A lot of people were excited and a lot of people were send well wishes. Some people thought he deserved to be sick because he constantly disregarded the safety precautions. I don’t play about karma, but I didn’t shed any tears.

The optimism in me thought that if the president healed from COVID-19, he would be humbled and show some redeeming qualities to his opposition. I was wrong. After Trump and his family recovered from the virus, he continued downplay the virus and disregard safety measures.

Even as numbers continue to rise, Trump continues to hold large campaign rallies. Say what you want about Trump, but the man(child) can pull some large crowds. Unfortunately, he doesn’t care that we are in the midst of a pandemic. Once again, putting ego over country.

Don’t get me started on the disgusting conspiracy theories that Trump continues to spread. Apparently, the Democrats are running a covid hoax in order to gain sympathy votes. He claims that “States will open back up on November 4th”. Also, he touts the conspiracy that doctors are making bank by inflating infection numbers.

Everything and everyone is out to get Trump, according to him. It’s always about him. His supporters eat it up. Father save us all!

Donald Trump continues to show that he only works for his supporters. He constantly emboldens them with his various dog whistles. He continues to berate and taunt his opposition. Many of his supporters follow in his direction. It’s almost cult-like.

Here I am four, long, years later. We are approaching another Election Day. We are casting votes for the lesser of the two evils. We are seeing an assortment of intimidation tactics. Social media has become more toxic than ever. Family members are disowning each other. Friendships are breaking up.

I never cut myself off from Trump voters. I never understood their rationale, but i still found some nice people.

After four years, I’m finding it harder to accept Trump voters. Social media really makes you believe that they are all bigoted, racists, and nutty. That’s why I had to step back. I didn’t like the feelings that I had about those voters. A lot of them love that he says the quiet part out loud. Some of them genuinely believe that Trump is the closest thing to Jesus.

I’m annoyed with the Democratic Party. No, I no longer identify as a Democrat. After doing my own research, I came to the conclusion that neither major party hold my best interest. I have since changed my voter registration to reflect “No party affiliation”. I decide to vote based on candidate rather than party.

Anyway, I’m annoyed with the Democrats because they have once again produced a lackluster candidate. I’m sure 50 people ran for the nomination. Not one candidate stood out to me. Here we good again.

Joe Biden does stand out from Donald Trump, though. He’s not a bully. I think that is what people are riding on-that small, but stark difference.

Call me a snowflake all you want to, but I like presidents who are more interested in the country, versus presidents who are obsessed with creating conspiracies and belittling others. I also prefer my president to be meltdown-free on Twitter at 3am. Joe Biden also seems to care about taking Covid-19 seriously.

I didn’t vote for Joe “You ain’t Black” Biden because he’s a well-rounded candidate. Who is? I voted for him for the same reason that I voted for Hilary-I want “Look at my African American” Trump to go. Indeed, I had to overlook a lot of bullshit. The fact of the matter is that one of these two candidates will win this upcoming election.

I’m nervous as Hell, but it gives me hope to see people taking this election seriously. Trump did not lie when he said that he could “stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any supporters.”. I think this is one of the rare times where he told the truth.

I’m just telling my story. No matter who you are, or who you support, go vote. Make your voice heard. Don’t forget that the Congress seats are just as important! Either way, someone is going to be mad at the end of this. I’m not sure if we will close that gap of division anytime soon, but I’m holding out hope.

A Joe Biden presidency will yield a boring news cycle. I’m not even mad about it one bit.

Categories
Lifestyle Parenting

Parenting Through Depression

That’s exactly what I’m doing now.

Over the past several weeks, I wrote down my thoughts, with full intention of sharing. However, I changed my mind. Writer’s block had set in so badly that hated everything that I typed. Everything just felt mediocre. I’m not saying that I’m a top-notch writer, but I usually like the content that I put out, and I hope you do too.

I’ve been struggling to keep up with everything that matters to me- parenting, my blog, my business….

Depression is something that I have learned to live with. I have some lows and I have a lot of highs. Unfortunately, the lows are not very fun.

For the first couple of months of virtual learning, there was never a problem with me hopping out of bed before my alarm even rang. These days, I find myself struggling to cope with a new day. Everything just seems overwhelming. It’s not the fault of my kids. Depression is no stranger to me. I have dealt with it since I was a teenager.

However, my depression seems new to my kids. I hate that they noticed this time. I’m usually able to hide my episodes of physical and mental illness from them. What’s beautiful is that my kids have been patient. Honestly, they are still hardheaded as Hell, but I could feel their empathy. It just doesn’t feel fair to put them in that position.

Today was the first time in awhile that I actually felt a burst of energy. I don’t know where it came from, but I’m not complaining!

I filled out the mountain of paperwork that I have been avoiding for months. I made some important phone calls. I also cooked a meal from scratch! I know that sounds simple, but it’s really an accomplishment for me these days.

Next on my list? I need to wash my hair. It’s been a hot minute. Not gonna lie. I have been keeping up with the girls’ hair. Normally, when it is time for me to wash my hair, I dread the process, but I go and do it anyway. Doing three heads of hair every other weekend is a job, honestly.

These days, I’ve been keeping my hair in “two fat braids”. That’s what my mom called the hairstyle when I was growing up. It was her go-to hairstyle for my sisters and me when she didn’t feel like doing anything elaborate. It’s safe to say that I need some “Hair surgery”. That is what I say when it’s time to do hair. It’s really a transformation….

I really surprised myself though. I was doing really well during this pandemic. When Donnie was home for two months, I thought it would be such an annoying experience. Look, I love my husband with every breath, but we all know how a significant other can get on your nerves when we spend a lot of time with him or her. I thought I was going to be lie, “Seriously, this is my territory. I’m the stay at home parent. Please go back to work.”. We just didn’t get on each other’s nerves. I showed Donnie the ropes of watching the four walls all day and listening to the kids argue. He was very hands on, which I loved.

We also got to work on our marriage. Nothing major was broken, but you know that you have to perform maintenance to keep the operation going. We actually became closer, and I was very grateful.

Having my husband go back to work was such a crippling experience. He immediately went back to working 60+ hours a week. I really miss having him at home. However, the bills must be paid, and until my kids pay their invoices, I’m not bringing home any bacon for my services.

I acknowledge that I need to get out of the house. Where would I go? I could step outside for some air and nurse my bug bites later. Because of the pandemic, the five recreational activities that were available in town are now gone.

It still pains me that we had to miss out on our annual family beach vacation this year. That one week over the summer is literally Heaven on Earth. The beach is my sanctuary. It’s probably one out of three places that I visit throughout the year.

Right now, I feel crummy. In reality, I will be fine. I always make it through. You will too. The most important thing that you can do for yourself is to move. I don’t mean pop in an exercise tape or go for a 5 mile jog. Start with something small. Every small move is important and significant. Even if all you did was just wake and get dressed, you are going in the right direction.

“I need you, you need me.
We’re all a part of God’s body.
Stand with me, agree with me.
We’re all a part of God’s body.
It is his will, that every need be supplied.
You are important to me, I need you to survive.
You are important to me, I need you to survive.
I pray for you, You pray for me.
I love you, I need you to survive.”

-I Need You To Survive by Hezekiah Walker

Get into it!

Also, don’t forget to check out my business website:

http://www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

Categories
Lifestyle Uncategorized

I’m Not Working For Love….And Neither Should You!!!

In my opinion, love is a natural emotion that can develop immediately or over a period of time. It cannot be bought or worked for.

God loves us all. He gives the purest form of love. He loves us no matter who we are, what we do, or where we’ve been. We can’t buy God’s love, favor, or grace.

So, why are you buying or working for love from your significant other? Why are you earning “love” based on favors or purchases? That’s not love. Love is not material. You are buying satisfaction. The truth is, that person will never truly be satisfied.

Sure, your significant other will love the home cooked meals, foot rubs, sex, & massages for about five minutes. Unfortunately, you will have to eventually come up with other ideas to keep that person “satisfied”. As long as you are doing the catering, your significant other will keep doing the stringing. Your significant other will want the pleasure of being catered to while being able to do whatever he or she wants. It’s a win-win situation for them, not you.

Don’t get it twisted. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with giving gifts or doing favors, as long as they are not in exchange for love or commitment.

You’re terrified and insecure. You’re terrified that if you don’t keep up with the charades, your significant other will entertain someone else. That’s insecurity. If he or she wants to cheat, they will cheat. There is NOTHING you can do to stop it. It is NOT your fault either.

Stop with the mentality that “If I don’t do it, someone else will.”. You are not your significant other’s parent. That person has been raised. You already have doubts about your relationship if you are worried about someone “wrecking” your home.

*Newsflash!!!!! No one “wrecked” your home. That was an inside job, my dear. Your satisfied significant other allowed access, and that person took full advantage.*

When someone is heartbroken over another person, the first thing they most likely said was, “After all I did for you!”…..Think about it. Favors & objects are temporary. True love is timeless & priceless.

Your worth is priceless. If you are telling yourself that “I need to have my hair done everyday for my baby.” or “I need to have dinner on the table for baby every night at 5.”, you are automatically telling yourself that you alone are not good enough

Your soulmate is someone who loves you for who you are, and NOT for what you can bring to the table. The truth is, everyone has something to offer(sex, money, gifts, etc.), but who are you as a person? Who is your significant other as a person?

I have been with my husband for six years. I love Donnie because he is a genuinely good person. I love how he loves our children. I love his selflessness and dedication. I love that he puts no expectations on me. He just loves me. I don’t just hear it. I feel it.

I don’t know why he loves me. I can’t answer for him. I can tell you right now that I don’t have dinner on the table every night when he comes home. My hair is standing up on my head more than 50% of the time. I shave my leg hair maybe once a year. I’m a stay-at-home parent of almost 6 years who had no earned income(I recently started working again). Donnie met me at a size 14. I’m not there anymore(I’m working on that for me). He knows the most painful and shady parts of my past.

Donnie has never made me feel like an obligation. He has never made me feel unloved. Our relationship foundation is strong.

I’m never going to work to keep his love. He knows that he never has to work to keep my love.

You deserve commitment. Continue to acknowledge that the love that you deserve is priceless. You should never have to work for it. You are not a slave to your significant other.

If you are interested in jewelry, I sell paparazzi jewelry through my business, “Antonia’s Glamsc8pe”. Feed your $5.00 habit at my online store:

https://www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com

Categories
Lifestyle Parenting

The Most Thankless Job.

We are in the group of the unacknowledged “essential workers”. Stay-at-home parents know EXACTLY what I mean. Our job is the most demanding, but least appreciated.

I was only working on the weekends at the time I decided to stay home with my kids. My husband, Donnie, worked during the week. I had three children at home at the time. My husband and I traded childcare duties

There are many reasons why stay-at-home parents are created. Finances didn’t initially sway my decision to become a stay-at-home parent. I was pregnant with Julian, and I wanted to rest.

Before I had Julian, I suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. It happened in May of 2014. I had been spotting on and off for a week. I began to heavily bleed around Mother’s Day. Donnie and I were devastated, but I later accepted that God had a reason. Others would say that it was because “You don’t need anymore kids.”. Okay….

I found out that I was pregnant again in July of the same year. I was highly stressed at work, and I just wanted to take it easy with my pregnancy. I just quit. I talked to my husband first, of course. Donnie was fully prepared to take on the burden of our household finances.

I’ve been a stay-at-home mother for almost six years. As time passed, I had more kids. Daycare was not something that would fit into the budget.

I absolutely hate it. Am I allowed to say that? Yes, I hate being a stay-at-home mother. My kids are not the reason why I feel this way. I just feel inadequate and lazy. Some days I feel held back. I feel like my contribution is the least important.

I’M THE ALARM CLOCK.

My weekdays start at 4:00am when I wake my husband up for work. My oldest children are out of the bed between 5:15 and 5:30. We all know that the kiddies need to be woken up at least five times. By 5:50, it’s time to dress some flailing toddlers!

All of my kids depart for school by 6:35am. All except for Jessica. She will start Pre-K this fall.

I’M THE SECRETARY AND ACCOUNTANT.

After I get Jessica settled, it’s time to create the household budgets. I actually enjoy doing this part. I don’t know if it’s the task of creating ledgers, or the the thrill of making financial miracles happen. Aren’t unexpected bills the best?

Handling business phone calls takes place in Le Master Bedroom. The downside of talking on the phone is that the sleep deprivation in my voice tends to shine through at some point.

I’M THE RECREATIONAL COORDINATOR.

I know there are parents that don’t believe in letting their kids watch much television. I’m not “parents”. With 6 kids, television has saved my life! I’d rather not have a conference call with Geico and my 4 year old.

Jessica constantly asks to watch Doc McStuffins. How many times have I watched the same three episodes of Doc McStuffins? “Time for your check-up! Time for your check-up!”

Sometimes Jessica will lie in an effort to spring me from my work. “Mom! My tv turned off!”.

As I walk to her room, I hear the familiar theme song, “Time for your check-up! Time for your check-up!”, followed by a tiny snicker. Why is she like this?

Playing “pretend” with dolls should be a crime. Somehow, I always end up with the doll who is missing hair. I also have to give the dolls voices. Jessica stays on my neck.

On a beautiful day, we might go outside. Jessica’s favorite activity is “Hide and Seek”. I love pretending that I don’t see her hiding behind that tree.

Julian has half days, so he gets off of the bus at 12pm. It’s time for lunch. While the kids are napping, I try to get some cleaning in.

I’M THE CHEF EXTRAORDINAIRE.

Before I know it, it’s 3:15pm. That means it’s time to cook dinner. On a good day, my family is getting a five-course meal. On a stressful day, everyone is eating a “big ole pot of spaghetti”, as my mother calls it. I’m constantly finding new ways to diversify my menus, but my kids are so picky. Donnie is just grateful to get a bite to eat. Bless his heart. My kids start getting off of the bus at 3:45, with the last child arriving home at 4:45pm. Dinner is on the table at 5pm.

I’M A TUTOR.

First of all, common core is from the works of the Satan. I have to relearn what my kids are learning in order to help them with homework. What the Hell is a number bond? I try to refrain from teaching my kids how I learned growing up because I don’t want to confuse them. I’ll just be confused instead. Donnie arrives home at 6:30pm, just in time to dodge the chaos.

I’M THE HOUSEKEEPING MANAGER.

It’s time for chores. Call it controversial, but I call it teaching responsibility. The kids will not die from sweeping a floor, trust me. My older kids have a set list of chores to do every evening. This lasts about 30 minutes…..unless one of them decides to throw dirty laundry in a closet or hide trash under a bed. Sigh!

I’M A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR AND MEDIATOR

Sometimes I notice that one or more of my children seem unusually quiet. They hate the repeated “Is everything okay?”. I genuinely want to know. Let’s figure it out! Sometimes school is difficult because of other kids or schoolwork. Sometimes one child may feel like he or she is getting a little less attention than the other.

Being the mediator is fun. How many fights have you had to break up? Do you love mediating stupid arguments? All of that comes with having multiple children. It’s annoying, but as siblings grow, they start getting on each others nerves. They still love each other, I promise.

DOWNTIME(sort of)

Once chores are done and booties are washed, my kids have earned electronics privileges. After overloading the WiFi bandwidth for an hour, my kids are sent to bed. This doesn’t mean they are sleeping. Julian and Joshua spend at least an hour jumping around and kicking the walls before the silence happens.

Now it’s time for me to get my life together before I lay down for the night. My “night” includes maybe 3 hours of sleep. As a matter of fact, I’m up at 3:00am writing this.

Being a stay-at-home parent is not for the selfish. It’s just another sacrifice that parents make for their families everyday. The reward will come one day. In the meantime, have a pitcher of margaritas on standby, and enjoy your kids before they start smelling themselves!

If you are interested in jewelry, I sell paparazzi jewelry through my business, “Antonia’s Glamsc8pe”. Feed your $5.00 habit at my online store:

https://www.antoniasglamsc8pe.com